Genital Watch Expands

The streets adjoining Rodeo Drive are cocked with pockets of paparazzi, ready at the first whiff to tear after the passing vagina of Britney Spears. Twice this week, on two separate occasions, the first with her sponsor, Paris Hilton, the second while alone at a gas station (yes, she gassed her own car), Britney Spears, former pop star and mother of two, purposely revealed her naked genitals to the general public and anyone else who might be interested, including, someday, her children. It was a trend begun by Paris Hilton (although many men in prison today would argue with that). But while Britney may be a va-johnny-come-lately, her participation itself is a powerful endorsement of casual flashing that will influence millions of young women to do the same. Hygiene, bygiene. With civil war raging in Iraq, this is welcome news. It's good to see somebody smiling, even if it's vertical. After Abu Ghraib, we can't be shocked. Islam may require women to cover their faces, but over here we think they take things too far. Our women show all their rosy cheeks. The labia is the new cleavage. While the reasons for this shift are complex and profound, it has less to do with alcoholism than may appear at first blush. Scientists believe (remind me to add that to my Wordkill Wishlist) that flashing is a desperate bid for attention by self hating egomaniacs, which puts former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at the top of the watch list.

Since you asked

CW sends ABC solutions for Iraq We've come a long way in a month. Now the mainstream press is asking the public at large for their ideas on fixing Iraq. Having blogged on this very topic several times in the past over the last four years I have my points all numbered and ready to go. Drop trou. The Iraqis themselves showed us exactly how to "disappear" an entire army by simply losing the uniform. Then adjust your troop levels at will. Some could be sent home while others, disguised in robes and burqas remain behind to eventuate positive change (see number two). Ratchet up and reverse the rumor mill. The reason civil wars are so uncivilized is because daily discourse becomes uncivil to the point where people are killing each other, and it's personal. American forces, under cover, would have a mission to reverse ill will and replace it with goodwill by means of flattery, perjury, mis- and disinformation to keep the enemies off-balance. When one enemy reads that another is quoted in the newspaper as admitting he's a terrible adversary, on the one hand, but on the other, probably the best singer in all Baghdad, the first enemy is disarmed and will, if not immediately, eventually return fire in like manner, perhaps commenting on his rival's cunning, or his delightful sense of humor. Cut Iraqi into three countries. Give the north to the Kurds, west of the river to the Sunnis, east of the river to the Shia. This could halt the civil war in its tracks and would likely be the end result of war anyway. Getting it over with would allow them to get on with rebuilding their own new countries. Regarding the United States and its "interests," which are actually the interests of Halliburton, it would be wise to whistle and leave quietly and behave nicely knowing that a trial for war crimes is only an indictment away.

While I was out

CW FISHER It's been almost two months since I last wrote. I had become so angry at America I had to go away to heal myself. When I came back America had done the same: healed itself. Praise God, and pass the turkey. What a difference an election can make. The American people had not gone missing after all. It was the journalists who had gone missing. But in the end, Americans did not believe what journalists had been telling them they believed. Bloggers, like me, have a very small audience. Mine is now so small, due to my absence, that I can now say anything I want with impunity. Fortunately, I'm sick and tired of my own impudence, and vow to speak with more reverence for manners. A recent graphic in Newsweek shows dramatically that Democrats have controlled Congress for many decades; the last ten years of Republican rule were an anomaly launched with Newt Gingrich's contract with America, then electioneered into being by Karl Rove and the religious right. Seen in this context, it's clear the Republicans were making up for lost time. They had two jobs: the great undoing followed by the great redoing. And here we go again, only now it's the Democrats turn. What will they undo and redo?