Dear God

Greetings from Earth! Having a terrible time! Wish you were here! Good Lord, it's getting hot down here! Texas is combusting, California's self starting, Colorado is beige, the color of kindling, and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security admitted these seasonal wildfires have always been a side effect of the global warming trend created by Al Gore. No offense, God, but would you mind? Right now is not the best time for your acts, to be blunt. Have you seen what they're doing to each other in Lebanon and Israel? It's the Holy Land, man! Three Great Religions competing for God's Hometown, and now we've got war circumnavigating the whole world. So please. You can see how important it is to win such a war. There's so much at stake. Our whole way of life. Our principles. Freedom. Rights. All that. See? This is the big one, Lord, and we need you on our side. Our side. It's the least we can expect. We've been so loyal to you down through the years. Far more loyal than the infidel, or the insurgents, or whatever they're calling themselves now. It makes us sick to hear them talk about you as if they're related to you or something! They must all be killed, as you know, in your name, of course, and when the last of them are dead, you will get full credit, and you know we're good for it. But we do ask your patience. Until our enemies are dead, could you spare us some better weather? You can still do your tsunamis, but do them on them. You want bigger, better hurricanes, fine, go ahead, just spin them on the bad guys. And could you please do something to squelch the leaks and disinformation regarding these rumors of the end of the world? Honest to God, Bird Flu? You can't be serious: a pun? Arctic cruises? The price of drinking water? Where are you going with all this, Lord, because it will kill us you know. Just one last thing on your to-do list. Please protect us from doing anything to protect ourselves from what we know it going to happen because we don't want to frighten the kids or panic anybody. There's a war on! Amen.