Bush comes to shove

CW FISHER Now that it's George Bush against the entire world, you'd think he'd start losing confidence. Yet the man is only hitting his stride. Each passing week brings stranger news. Tap Scam. Last week, an outraged Congress discovered the Bush administration had actually tapped not just a few Americans but virtually every phone in the country, just as George Bush was announcing his choice to head the CIA: one of the principal architects of the tap scam which was the brainchild of the National Security Agency. NSA is only a small part of a sprawling new system of cooperative spy agencies bundled under the cozy roof of Homeland Security -- spies helping spies. Used to be only God and Santa Claus knew when you were naughty or nice. Now if you don't call your mother on Mother's Day, Ma Bell's going to call Barbara Bush. What this has to do with the phony war on "terror" is this: nothing. Icut and Iran. Iran has nuclear ambition, plus uranium. Iraq doesn't even have electricity or gas. The U.N. sees a threat in Iran, inspects it. Bush sees a threat in Iran, insults it. So the president of Iran writes Mr. Bush an 18 page letter about Jesus and reasonableness. Bush didn't read it, but gave a garbled bite, something about Iran having to learn how to behave. Can't Beat the Bushes. As George's poll numbers hit the twenties, he was holding his brother Jeb's hand aloft, saying he thought his little brother'd make a great next president. Meanwhile, only miles away, alligators were tearing old ladies in half. Do we really want a president who's a former governor of a failed marsh? I clearly remember Osama bin Laden, giddy after his great success one Tuesday morning, telling us to watch: America would defeat itself. Maybe so, big shot, but how would America know? It's too busy defending the homeland -- Iraq. Defeat itself? Ridiculous. We don't have the time or manpower. Back in America's Original Homeland, gabillions of ruthless Mexicans have rushed over the border and seized our jobs--it's a national emergency on the scale of homosexual marriage, just in time for midterm elections. Some believe the real threat to our borders is seawater. Not unless hurricane season coincides with an election it isn't. George Bush says he's the decider. It's catchy, but wrong. I'm the decider, George. Me. The name on my mailbox, the numbers on my phone bill. I am that one piece of chad stuck in your throat you thought was a pretzel. And I've decided the only person on the planet with the slightest chance of putting this world back together again is Bill Clinton. Hillary can be senator. Bill Clinton for President.