Cosmology of the Shadow Presidency

CW FISHER If people were planets, and size measured gravity, who'd be the biggest? Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney is a very large planet indeed, for on his flipside is Halliburton, and ever near, his moon Chalabi, once "disgraced," now ascendant in Iraqi politics. Imagine. Dead planet Scooter Libby will burn in descent. Planet Rumsfeld is willing himself to irrelevance but still orbiting, still hewing to the Shadow, still doing his dirty work, same as little Lynndie England, who served her country, her boyfriend, and now her sentence, so that Dick Cheney, architect, deviser and defender of the theft of Iraq, could keep "running things." Dick asked for dick and Dick got dick, in shot after shot after digital shot, and piles of upended butts, he got it. Is it fair to blame it on Big Dick? Yes, it is. Dick Cheney, as Senate President, recently cloistered the full Senate for an extremely rare closed session following their 99-1 vote to abolish torture by American military forces. If you believe the Senators, the Shadow was passionate, practically on his knees begging them not to go through with it, but try as I might, I can't imagine a passionate Dick Cheney. However, if Dick Cheney wants torture, and thinks torture is about forcing men to have sex with each other, he might want to quit that and get himself some gay porn. Because it's inappropriate, man. That's obvious. Okay, Dick? But it's not torture. It's something else. Doesn't belong in the classroom. And what of George? Oh, he's a big one, more a moon, though, and half Rove. But he's distracted lately and Karl has troubles of his own, and Dick Cheney's no fun, can you imagine cutting up with Dick Cheney? The Globe said George is in therapy for drinking again, not that he's drinking again, just that he had, well, never mind, it was in The Globe, after all, or maybe it was in The World, it wasn't The Enquirer, but the article explained that George has really been under a lot of pressure lately. Basically it was a toast that went bad. A sip that broke the levee--but! it's all rumor and speculation. Either way, lame duck. Yes, the POTUS is an alcoholic. Yes, he'll grapple with it all his life. But he's surrounded by love and advice and power, and all the money in the world, except for Dick Cheney's. The Bush Administration will swing away soon enough, but Planet Dick will only enlarge. It is territory he sought, territory he got. Terrorism was a coincidental excuse. Dick Cheney's plan to steal Iraq and take its oil was fleshy before 9-11. The oil hasn't been mentioned again since it was seized. Nobody's asked. I will. Where's the oil? Pictured: Tom DeLay, Abu Ghraib, Lynndie England, Donald Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Ahmed Chalabi, Karl Rove-George Bush, Pat Robertson, Condi Rice, Mom, Dad, John Bolton, Michael Chertoff, Bird Flu, Michael Brown, William Rehnquist, Colin Powell, Gen. Karpinski, Richard Nixon, Robert Novak, Judith Miller.