Paranoia Marketing

CW FISHER Most people understand that disease bearing microorganisms come out of their own butt, and those who don't know, do now. It is the failure to wash after wiping that puts a little piece of us on everything we touch. Lightswitches, door handles and telephones are all likely places to form a teeming metropolis of microbes like dangerous E. coli (pictured left). And every tiny, turd-shaped coli yearns to return to the bowel from which it was born. Now imagine your keypad. Or don't. Just look at it--and know that inside those dark ruts and cracks lurks you--the very worst of you you have to offer. Is it riddable, this stuff? Yes, says the Chicago Sun-Times. Put your keypad in the dishwasher at the lowest heat, delicate cycle, and let it air dry for a few days. A few days. Sun-Times must be slow. Anyway, they said it works. I don't believe it, personally, because they didn't use the bleach--if they'd a used the bleach, then it would have worked--but it would have ruined the keypad, which was so filthy anyway it should have been thrown out years ago probably. Can an industry be born of pure paranoia? Sure! It's time to think disposable keypads: KleenPadz! Flat, easy to clean, the Kleenpad it's a fullsized touchpad, ridged in the right places for easy navigation and sure footing, and of course it's wireless! and cheap! Buy 'em by the dozen! You'll say: "Look Ma! No more E. coli!" KleenPadz! Why wipe ever again? Do you enjoy stupid stuff like this? Me neither! That's why I post it on Paragraphica. Over by there you'll find poorly researched and barely edited crap that couldn't make it into The Apologist because it just didn't look old enough. There's a button for it somewhere. Push the button. Or click the link, if you can see the stupid thing. And when you go there? Could you do me a favor? Could you leave a comment? Because I swear it's true I have never, almost never, gotten any comments, except for this one person whose been writing to me about Elvis, how I got him wrong, baby, all wrong--but other than that, nothing. What gives? Is it the quality?