Microwaveable Iraqis

CW FISHER Can war get any more convenient? The U.S. plans to begin microwaving crowds of Iraqis sometime in 2006. The idea is crowd control. Should coalition forces find themselves outnumbered by an angry mob, they just hop on top of their Humvee and sweep a concentrated ray of microwaves through the crowd, inflicting unbearable pain on whoever it hits. That ought to send them packing. Microwave weaponry is part of a new class of "Less Lethal" weapons that sounds like a step in the right direction, as long as you're not in the movie business. To sex it up, the military describes their gizmo as "real Star Wars stuff" and often refer to it broadly as a Ray Gun, after the Star Wars president, we assume. Unfortunately, they've already named it the Sheriff. The Marines are working on a portable unit for themselves and for the police. A few days ago they tested the Sheriff on volunteer rioters at Kirkland Air Force Base in No Where, New Mexico. In the first test the rioters were told to remove their glasses and contact lenses to protect their eyes. Instantly they stopped rioting and began looking for their contacts cases, panicked, half of them probably forgot their drops. This probably won't be as big a deal in Iraq because most rioters will know not to wear their glasses to this sort of event. This gives the coalition forces another advantage. In another test, rioters were told to remove any metal objects such as coins from their pockets to prevent "hot spots from developing on their skin." Picture the volunteer rioters absorbing this, then throwing their change, keys, lighters, rosaries, miraculous medals, belt buckles, earrings, nipple rings, navel rings, TONGUE BALLS!!! anything with metal's on the ground, while these whooping idiots brace for another random sweep of the Sheriff. It wouldn't be surprising if many of the volunteers enjoyed the experience, since people volunteer for scarier stuff on Fear Factor. Context is everything. In the context of an angry mob, getting rayed would not be an enjoyable experience, but a painful one. If it hurts as much as they say it hurts (and the volunteers weren't saying), then it should only take a few times to get the word out. Maybe all it will take is for the Sheriff to show up and all the people will disperse peacefully, in an orderly fashion, forming six lanes of traffic in a direction away from the ray, toward home, thinking about dinner. That would be useful. Except that rioting crowds, when swept with a ray that takes five seconds before it creates pain, may not realize at first that what they're feeling is pre-pain. Their milling and thrashing could make them difficult targets. Those hit under five seconds might only get angrier and braver. Some would fall and be trampled. You'd no longer have a riot. You'd have a stampede. Ray weapons are sociopathic by nature because they give to the few great power and control over the many. When the few find themselves in this position it's a clue something's terribly wrong. This kind of control really puts the damper on old-fashioned revolutions, like the one that started America. Civilian militia? What good are your silly metal bullets? We will melt them with our Ray Gun, and we'll melt all your fillings too! And as with any weapn, oyou allows have to think about a weapon like this used against you. Instead of the few meaning Bush, Cheney and Rove, it's Eddie and C.J., couple guys, trunkful of beer, drive up a mountain, fire up their microwave, and suddenly own the valley and the skies above, easier than knocking over a convenience store. Until they themselves are zapped by the inevitable anti-ray device, probably a mirror. What this all means is that we're getting closer to the day when killing each other will be as easy as email. And less lethally!