Comparing Americans and Brits

CW FISHER The differences between the British and American peoples are rarely subtle and generally outlandish, which is entirely the Americans' fault. The first ones over might have wobbled out of their dinghies as Brits but from their very first deep breath of the oxygen rich New World air they became Americans: they talked louder, swaggered around like they owned the place, started smoking cigars and talking too fast and waving around their guns and swords--just imagine these people with cell phones--and they took Manhattan for a trunkful of costume jewelry--except the pearls. Little shots made big shots through zero population. Today their little shot descendents form the wick of the illuminati who dwell in the great shining city on the hill--originally a swamp--while the rest of us immigrants and ingrates suffer down here in the sewers of Twin Job Falls, figuring the future must have been canceled. Well, at least we'll always have the past to look forward to. Americans are different and have been from the start, in part by the design of Daniel Webster, who authored the great fictional bestseller Webster's Dictionary, wherein he purposely and singlehandedly disspelled every other word that struck his fancy in order to further separate American lips from their mother tongue. It's a crude image. But I'm American. The British are well mannered and assume others will be too; Americans are ill mannered. Not a problem. The British rather enjoy the idea of helping their younger cousin America in her fledgling foray into colonialism; Americans consider them all thespians. Americans like to think of themselves as cowboys corraling up the whole world for global branding; whereas the British (were they less polite) might view Americans as great teaming mounds of steaming potatoes oozing with congealing beef tallow, smeared across couches, dreaming of cowboys on tellies. This is not to say that America lacks respect for its mentor, just that it never forgot that these were the guys that showed up for battle wearing bright red coats with big white X's on both sides, front and back... while the Americans were the guys in buckskin, behind the trees. Americans, see, Americans was born on a mountaintop in Tennessee, greenest state in the land of the free, raised in the woods so we knowed every tree, kilt us a b'ar when we was only 3! Kings of the wild frontier! Don't y'all come no nearer y'hear? The British aren't better than Americans. They only sound better and act better than Americans, have better educations, and manners. They're far from perfect: they've never been seen having sex; their teeth are clumped and jaggety yet their dentists advertise shamelessly, their judges wear wigs, but underneath those robes almost all of them are men. But watch. It'll be some American that comes up with the wacky idea to bottle oxygen and sell it in convenience stores for personal daily consumption, like sipping on an all-day soft drink, only this one really revives you, so you'll survive! Suck this, America! Oxygen Rich New World Air!