POOR LAURA... Kennedy and Bush Clans Clash Politely

Last night Laura Bush met Caroline Kennedy on NBC News' Meet the Press to chat with the round-headed host whose name I don't know about their respective items for sale: Caroline's book and Laura's husband. Given that it's the third winter holiday of the Bush presidency and the last winter holiday before the election, an aide must have convinced the First Lady it was now or never as far as TV goes. Laura was right to hesitate; she doesn't belong on TV. She's smart enough to know she's really really dumb. Mr. Roundhead (and I mean no disrespect, I'm just too lazy to learn the man's name--and he's a terrific interviewer, the very best, who places himself so deep in the background where he belongs that I dare not ruin his distance by naming his name) treated Mrs. Bush with the unfailing politeness accorded all First Ladies except Hillary Clinton, a careful and doting etiquette that also works well with the elderly and persons with mental retardation. Roundhead lobbed his questions, underhand, but she swang for the far wall with all her well-briefed might every single time. Her overprep was evident, but the hand of Barbara was all over her at all times, including every inch of her hand-me-down literacy program. Her performace was beyond embarrassing on several occasions. She kept offering the same answer to every question, this rambling tribute to "the children." The children who will not be left behind, the children who are our future, the cliches that give us something to talk about, the cute little devils who grow up to have drinking problems and drug habits, who never actually turn out "right." But Laura didn't get into that. She had nothing but good things to say about children, all children. Suffer the little children come unto her. She's just a big smiley-faced kindygarden teacher, alcoholic facilitator and abuse survivor who honestly has no idea that her rap is completely phony through and through. You should have seen Caroline squirming like a senior waiting to get out of Soc to sneak a smoke. She once made eye contact with Roundhead and it looked like they might both lose it. It was clear there'd be some laughs in the post-show cool down, once the Secret Service cleared out the First Dummy. I'm being cutting and unkind. I acknowledge this. But Barbara -- I mean Laura! -- Laura brought along a razor thin children's book and was anxious to talk about it. Caroline, and her two-inch book could just wait. MRS. BUSH: Well, this woman, whose husband is actually deployed in Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan, wrote this book for children whose parents are deployed. And really it's a great book for children just who want to know about what it's like to serve our country in the United States military. It's a story for children about a family who say goodbye to their dad when he is deployed and he goes overseas and then they wait for him to come home, and in this storybook, of course, they get to ... meet him at the airport and welcome him home from his deployment. Powerful stuff. When she was finished, everybody just smiled and blinked, including me and probably anybody else watching, for the story presented a conflict of imagery that was difficult to reconcile. And a smorgasbord of lingual garnishes. Deployment. "Enduring Freedom." Free Speech Zones. Danger: Falling Euphemisms. Caution: Writers at Play. How we all squirmed as Mrs. Bush returned yet again to her "children" motif, their importance, their wonderful idealism even after daddy or mommy are deployed. Nothing scary about that. Your parents deployed this morning. But it's O.K.! Because this story was written by a writer, so everything comes out all right! That's why we love literature. It just makes so much sense of stuff. See? Unlike some other Daddies and Mommies who came home early, who came in the back way, in an unmarked cargo plane in an unmarked container so as not to gather press notice as per her husband's instructions. Why focus on the negative? This is why Bush created the Free Speech Zone, wherein reporters must be far enough away from events so they can't hear or be heard. We're free to speak anywhere nobody can hear us. Mr. Roundhead gently steered the conversation to Caroline, whose own book lay dying on the table, suffocating under its own weight. Sounded good. Quotes from great Americans left and right about being a great American, approximately. (It's not my job to sell her book. I'm sure it's very nice.) I'd rather talk about what a cool weird chick she is, clumsy, bumbling, awkward, balky, not the best-looking of the bunch -- to lose in the looks department to a brother! But Caroline has a certain grace the others don't. Remaining alive has worked well for her. And that is probably the nastiest thing I've ever written about someone as decent as Caroline Kennedy. I'll leave it in to remind myself later of what a jerk I am. I'll leave it too because anybody who purposely steps into public view is fair game. I'll leave it because it's the real free speech we're talking about: raw, nasty, coulterish. But I shall regret this remark for the rest of my life. Because I can. What I like about Caroline is she's real. She has no Kennedy accent. She speaks like any other Generican (Well, I mean, like, the thing is that, you know, I don't know, but um -- that type of talk. Turned me on. Alas, it couldn't last. Back to Laura and the god dam children, how very important they are, so very important, oh my yes. To another clip. This one of President Bush, the first one, presenting an award to Ted Kennedy in which he quips -- I'm sorry, in which his speechwriter quips: FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH: I have what I think is a fair trade for you, Senator. I want to help foster a kinder and gentler political detente. If the senator can contain the nine Democratic candidates out there taking shots at my son, I will do what I can to restrain Barbara Bush. Now, that's a fair trade. (End videotape) MR. RUSSERT: Can anyone restrain Barbara Bush? MRS. BUSH: No. MR. RUSSERT: That settles that. MRS. BUSH: Exactly. It was Poor Laura's single moment of truth. Jumped out of her mouth like a frog. Classic TV. Likely prearranged by the publicist and rehearsed. By the way, Ted Kennedy's response to the ever-preppy elder George was typical Ted. "While we may sometimes disagree, both our families share an abiding commitment to the nation's founding ideals and to the cause of an America that lives up to its highest principles." Now there's a speechwriter. I believe it's actually Ted, maybe even winging it. He's the greatest living speaker we've got, though he's as blighted as a black potato. And pink as an elephant. As a speechwriter myself I'm often appalled by some of the things that famous dumb people allow speechwriters to write for them to read out loud. Presented for your review, another clip from NBC's quite useful transcript, this from Laura Bush, addressing the National Book Festival, in words written by a speechwriter. (on videotape) MRS. BUSH: Upon returning home last night from my long trip, I found a lovely poem waiting for me. Normally I wouldn't share something so personal, but since we're celebrating great writers, I can't resist. "Dear Laura, roses are red, violets are blue. Oh, my lump in the bed, I've missed you. Roses are red, bluer am I, seeing you kissed by that charming French guy. The dogs and the cat, they miss you, too. Barney's still mad you dropped him. He ate your shoe. The distance, my dear, has been such a barrier. Next time you want an adventure, just land on a carrier." (End videotape) MR. RUSSERT: Now, who could have written that poem, huh? I mean, what... MRS. BUSH: Well, of course, he didn't really write the poem. But a lot of people really believed that he did. That evening at the dinner, what some woman from across the table said: "You just don't know how great it is to have a husband who would write a poem for you." MR. RUSSERT: Lump in the bed? What... MRS. BUSH: Well, he did really call me that, of course, but... MR. RUSSERT: Land on a carrier and you paid him back a little bit, huh? MRS. BUSH: Yeah. MR. RUSSERT: It was a couple weeks ago, the president gave an interview and had this to say. "She can be a pretty tough critic. And I take it to heart, I might add. That doesn't necessarily mean I change, but I take it to heart." How hard is it for the first lady--and yet you're also Laura Bush--to say to the president, "George, listen. Here's my advice"? MRS. BUSH: Well, the fact is I think it's hard for any wife or husband, for that matter, to give their spouse a lot of advice. You know, I don't really want a lot of advice from him and I know he doesn't really want a lot of advice from me. So I make an effort to only speak out when I really feel like I can't help but speak out. MR. RUSSERT: And he listens half the time? MRS. BUSH: He does listen. Yes, Laura, we are all quite sure he listens to you, poor thing, standing on the lawn in your bathrobe in your little free speech zone. Thank God she's got her little projects. Now that her own children are grown and out of jail, she has the time to work on the rest of America's children. Which might keep her too busy for TV -- a plus for all America, since watching her grind through an interview is like chewing aluminum foil. --Curt Fisher Apologies to the honorable American Icon Tim Russert whom I slandered mercilessly for having such a big fat round head.